By Susan Drevitch Kelly
Life Transition Coach
It is a new year and a time when people reflect on the past year, set intentions, and look for a fresh start. For those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be a time to think about moving forward with life.
But how? What is the first step? How do you take the first step?
In order to work through the grieving process and begin to move forward with your life, you need to start to let go of the thoughts, feelings, and fears that are holding you back. You need to “find a place” for your lost loved one, a place for all of the feelings and emotions, all the memories of the life you created and shared together. This important process is called “Emotional Relocation.”
Emotional Relocation involves creating cherished memories of your loved one who is now physically gone, but still very much alive in spirit. You need to begin a “remembering process” by actively reviving, recalling, and reliving the stories that comprised your relationship, from the very beginning until the end.
It is a process of capturing all of these cherished memories through storytelling, journaling, creating a memory box, and any other method that works for you. This process can be painful as you tell your stories out loud to family and close friends, write memories down in a special journal, write letters to your loved one, or capture treasured items and photos in a memory box. But in going through this process, the memories are transformed into images that can become a very part of your being.
Through this process, you are essentially “relocating your loved one” to your heart and forming a new relationship with them where you can begin to remember them without it being the intense painful process it once was. The emotional bonds can be loosened just enough so they do not hold you back from moving forward and prevent you from thinking about living life again (something your loved one would surely want for you).
This does not mean you forget or leave your loved one behind. It is a way of giving yourself permission to move forward through life in a healthy way.
Your loved one will not be loved any less just because you are capable of loving yourself enough to move forward and forge a new life without them. No one can take away the cherished memories that reside in your heart, and it is a special place that only you can visit to spend time with your loved one.
We know that grieving is a long-term, complex and “messy” process. No one can set a definite date or timeline for its completion, nor provide a “handbook for healing.” Grieving is a personal and unique process for each person who has experienced a profound loss.
Psychologist William Worden, in his 2009 book, “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy,” provided a framework of Four Tasks that need to be experienced and achieved by a griever in order to understand their journey of grief, go through the healing process, and reconstruct their life.
These Four Tasks include:
- Accepting the reality of the loss.
- Acknowledging and experiencing the pain of your grief, along with all of the other emotions and feelings that come with a profound loss.
- Adjusting to this “new world” in which your loved one is missing.
- Finding an enduring connection with your loved one so that you can begin to reinvest in yourself as you embark on rebuilding your life.
Through this process, you will not forget about your cherished past, but will gradually create a delicate balance between remembering your loved one and giving yourself permission to move forward and live a meaningful life. You will continue on with your life the way your loved one surely would have wanted you to do.
About the Author: Susan Drevitch Kelly has dual BS degrees in Biology and Chemistry, Summa cum Laude, Suffolk University; MA degree and Post-graduate studies in Psychobiology, Harvard University; and over 40 years of experience guiding private clients and workshop groups through major life transitions caused by change and loss. She is passionate about helping people redefine themselves and discover new meaning and purpose in their lives. Susan facilitates two grief support groups at the Scituate Senior Center: Grieve Not alone for recent loss and Riding the Wave for continuing grief. She is also available for private grief counseling sessions. She can be reached at sdkellya@gmail.com.
