By Dina Brooks, LICSW, ACHP-SW
Bereavement Program Manager
If there were ever a time to accept yourself where you are at, losing someone dear to you is that time. Losing a loved one is simply one of the hardest experiences that we, as the human species, endure. Yet, without feeling it could possibly be true, we are also built with a large capacity of resilience to cope with our losses. Believing that is another journey.
Our feelings in grief, especially new, raw grief, can be quite overwhelming and it is difficult to convince ourselves that there will be any way out of these feelings. Belief is the key, even when you can’t actually “feel” it yet. Holding onto that core belief that somewhere inside of you is resilience and the ability to heal can be the touchstone one needs to continue to weather the storms of grief.
Healing cannot be quantified. It is a different experience for each individual, one that is not to be judged or compared, as everyone needs to go about this their own individual way. Having positive support and the balance of alone time is essential to respect one’s own emotional and literal limitations during this time, as well as not falling into isolation with the painful feelings of loss.
Hope of healing vs. expectation of what the process should be is also essential as we go through the bereavement period. We may not know exactly where we are going and how we are doing it, but somehow we move through the difficult days. Expecting too much of oneself will only feel frustrating and defeating when we experience a bad day. Expecting too much of oneself during this time is setting a standard that doesn’t need to be met, and simply can’t be met, while experiencing a loss. Good and bad moments will fluctuate, good and bad days will come and go without invitation, and most times without warning. Healing occurs naturally and subtly as we persist through the vacillating days.
There is no one path on the journey of grieving; there are many paths. They are varied and they are confusing. The paths overlap; they can lead us off course at times, and they can lead us in surprisingly merciful positive directions when we least expect it. We don’t have to accept that our loved one is gone so definitively. That is a personal process that takes time, if ever completed, that unfolds ever so delicately. Accepting what grief and loss throws at us each day is enough to get through, one step at a time, one moment at a time. There is no benefit to judging one’s grief and sadness. It is a universal, yet individual and sacred, process that can only be experienced by you in your way, whatever way that may be.
About the Author: Dina Brooks is an LICSW and Bereavement Program Manager at Old Colony Hospice. She has experience working in hospice for the past 14 years and can be reached at dbrooks@oldcolonyhospice.com for any questions regarding grief support or hospice.
