By Gail M Conley, LICSW ACHP-SW
Old Colony Hospice & Palliative Care
It has been more than a year since my loved one died, shouldn’t I feel better by now?
This may be a question you ask yourself or one that others are asking you. People often have the expectation that the grieving process should take a year. After that first anniversary of the death, it is time to move with life, isn’t it? Of course you want the unbearable pain and sorrow to be gone, and your friends and family want to see you happy again.
In reality, that first year can be just the beginning of the grieving process. During that year you make it through all the “firsts” – the first birthday, the first anniversary, and the first holiday season without your loved one. You experience that first spring or summer alone. These occasions can bring on intense emotions and longing for the person and the life you had before. You survive that first year, one day at a time, often with the help of people around you who are sensitive and aware of these hurdles. If you are lucky to have supportive friends and family, you may not feel totally alone in your grief.
The following year can be surprisingly hard. Those around you have naturally turned their attention back to their own lives. It is during this second year that people often describe feeling more alone and isolated. It seems impossible that it has been a year since the death occurred, as your grief may, at times, feel as raw as the early days following the death. You may be intensely wishing for the sadness to ease and the hole inside you to fill.
Although you may want to fight against the pain, or avoid it, finding a way to truly accept the loss and move through your grief is critical in healing. The ultimate goal is not to get rid of grief but to learn to live with it. The phrase “time heals all” suggests that time alone will bring relief. Time may soften the sharp edges of grief, but it is in the active process of grieving or mourning that will ultimately lead to healing. And the process will take time and work, especially if you have lost someone central to your life.
Grief is the term we use to capture the range of feelings we experience after the death of a loved one. Grief work involves actively wrestling with the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that swirl in our head. It is working toward integrating the loss.
In this second year, you may find yourself facing the big, deeper questions: Who am I now? How do I move forward in my life? How do I hold onto my loved one? Can I find any meaning in the pain of this loss?
These are complicated questions without easy answers. And to be clear, this is intensely hard work. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you go down this path. Find support where you can, whether with close friends and family or professionals. Seek out grief groups. Respect this process as you wrestle with who you are now and what your life will be going forward.
About the Author: Gail M Conley is a clinical social worker who has worked in hospice for five years and has been a psychotherapist working with loss for more than 25 years. Contact her at info@oldcolonyhospice.com.
