By Mark Friedman
Looking back, I remember the tough conversations my parents use to have with me. They guided me on eating right, managing my money, taking care of my health, and choosing whom to trust. Now, I find myself on the other side of those same conversations – with them. Except this time, I am the one in the “authority” role.
It is one of life’s most delicate role reversals: the child becoming the caregiver – or perhaps more accurately, the care supporter – of their parents. And as with all role shifts, it is complicated and often painful. My father once put it plainly: “I’ve always done these things for us with your Mom. Now, I’m feeling out of control.”
That moment gave me pause. I realized that while I had always tried to do things with my parents and not to them, I needed to be even more mindful of how I supported them. This is not just about reaching a practical outcome – it’s about making sure everyone “survives” the process with dignity and respect intact.
Approaching these conversations mechanically – without regard for the very real feelings of lost independence – would have made success impossible. It’s easy to talk in broad categories like finances, legal documents, healthcare, and overall well-being. But the details matter. And those details are often what trigger the most emotion.
Here is just a subset of questions that families eventually need to answer together:
● How are all assets being held and documented? Are there named beneficiaries, or are they held jointly?
● Are powers of attorney in place, and if so, what are their limits, and how are they activated? Do the named individuals know your wishes, and are those wishes written down?
● Are any assets in trust, and who are the trustees?
● What provisions have been made to minimize probate or tax burdens?
● Are recent tax returns (at least the last three years) readily available and well organized?
● Where is documentation for all accounts – owners, locations, numbers, and signers –kept?
● Have estate distribution plans or charitable gifts been established?
● Are health-care documents complete and accessible? For example: Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) orders, health-care proxies with backups, medication lists, medical records access, and a full list of physicians with contact information.
● Beyond forms and directives, have wishes around quality of life, care priorities, and decision-making processes been discussed? Who has the authority to decide, and how should disagreements be resolved?
Even the conversation about personal effects matters: Is there a safe or safe deposit box? Who has the keys or combination? Are online accounts, usernames, and passwords securely stored? Is the following documentation kept safe and easy to locate:
● Driver’s license
● Social Security card
● Birth certificate
● Passport
● Health insurance and Medicare cards
● Contact list of close friends and advisors
These are not easy topics. They are emotional, sometimes uncomfortable, and often feel premature, until the day comes when they are suddenly urgent. The regret of not asking the right questions in time is something no family wants to carry.
Above all, remember this: When adult children step into the role once held by their parents, it is not about control. It is about partnership, respect, and patience. Honoring that balance is the key to preserving relationships while navigating these necessary conversations.
If you’d like guidance in creating a complete plan for your aging journey – or that of a loved one – reach out to us or follow our social media series, “A Minute of Care.”
