By Mark Friedman
In April 2019, South Shore Senior News published my column entitled “Navigating the future: Plans, preparations and a guy about to get on a plane.” It was all about an early discussions with my parents about their plan for aging. At that point we (my parents and siblings) had only started to define who helps with what, and defining what “what” actually meant.
Even with 10 years of professional experience in senior care, looking back I still had a lot to learn. I can say with humility and gratitude that I’ve learned so much more. My original “Ten Steps to Success” have stood the test of time, but personal experience has added a depth and breadth to what it means to truly plan for aging and support those who are in the journey.
During the past several months, I have written for the South Shore Senior News based on content from our Aging Advantage Guide – strategies and tools to help clients and their families navigate senior care. I have also had the opportunity to lecture and give webinars on this and the underlying topics:
- What really is an aging plan? How to start, what to include, and what to do when you’re in or near a crisis.
- Understanding and meeting the challenges of caregiving. Seeing the caregiving landscape clearly and understanding its emotional and practical realities.
- Handling difficult conversations. Expanding planning beyond wills, estates, and finances to include family expectations, roles, and care preferences.
- Navigating care and the caregiving journey. Exploring services, providers, and options that fit both your needs and your wants.
- Creating a personalized plan for aging. Reconciling what matters most to you (wants) with what your circumstances require (needs).
After years of guiding clients and families, and being in the same situation, here are my top five lessons about aging well and caregiving with purpose:
- Most people never clearly define what they want. When I ask older adults, “What matters most to you as you age?” the answers are often vague. Few have written down their priorities or thought through what tradeoffs they’re willing to make under certain conditions. Yet these details are essential; they shape every care decision ahead.
- Supporters and support systems can’t follow what they don’t understand: We often complete our powers of attorney and health-care proxies, but rarely provide an “instruction manual” for how those roles should be carried out. Our loved ones may have the authority to act, but not the guidance they need to act in alignment with our wishes. Clarity here is an act of love.
- Everyone needs a Plan B: Too many families rely solely on “Plan A.” For example, an adult child may be named as health-care proxy, but what if she’s unavailable, overwhelmed, or unwilling when the time comes? Having a designated backup or alternate decision-maker prevents crises and reduces guilt or conflict.
- The equation of care must stay balanced: I call this the equation of care: Caregiving = Care Receiving. What we expect others to do for us must match what they’re able and willing to provide. Open dialogue about these limits is essential. When that balance tips too far in either direction, both sides suffer emotionally and physically.
- Caregiving is a privilege, not a burden: In our field, professionals often talk about the “burden of care.” I’ve come to reject that phrase. Caring for another person – or allowing someone to care for you – is a privilege. It’s not just what we do that matters, but how we do it. Compassion, empathy, and respect transform every task, from helping with medications to simply sitting and listening.
When we approach care as a privilege, the entire experience changes. It becomes a shared journey, one that honors dignity, strengthens relationships, and enriches both lives. Whether you are a care recipient or a caregiver, start with one essential step: communicate with clarity, detail, and respect. Have honest conversations about your expectations and your limits. In the end, it’s these conversations – not the paperwork – that create the strongest foundation for aging well.
About the Author: Mark Friedman is the owner and Chief Education Officer of Senior Helpers Boston and South Shore. Passionate about seniors and healthcare, the goal of his agency is to change the trajectory of aging for his clients and their families first by delivering an exceptional homecare experience in a combination of highly trained and high-touch caregivers, and second by providing education and guidance with and connection to resources and services in the 43 communities his company serves. Contact Mark at MFriedman@SeniorHelpers.com or visit www.SeniorHelpersBoston.com.
