By Susan Drevitch Kelly
Life Transition Coach
Grief is messy, complicated and there is no easy way around it. As you move through the various stages of grief, you will encounter many obstacles and roadblocks that will drag you back, just when you thought you were making progress with your healing. This backsliding is a very common experience for grievers who have suffered a profound loss.
One of these common roadblocks is grief guilt. Whether you were a caregiver leading up to the loss of your loved one, or experienced a sudden, unexpected death, you are most likely experiencing some feelings of guilt, regret, and the long list of “wish I could have’s” or all of the “I should have’s.”
With an unexpected loss, you may reflect back on things you said or did or didn’t say or get a chance to say or do; and, as a caregiver dealing with a prolonged and exhaustive period leading up to your loss, there are probably many questions still swirling in your mind about difficult, perhaps heart-wrenching decisions, you may have had to make.
A few things to consider about grief guilt:
- If you experiencing feeling of guilt, you are not alone. Most grievers have some level of guilt associated with their loss. It is more common than you think.
- Guilt is a complex emotion. It does not always have to be rational to be real. That means even when you realize your guilt is not based on reality, you still may experience it.
- Guilt is a feeling. It is what you are feeling. You can’t stop feeling guilty just because someone tells you to.
According to the National Science Foundation, our brains process 70,000-80,000 thoughts each day. A few other facts: 80% of our thoughts are negative and 95% of our thoughts are repetitive. Now, that’s a lot of negative, repetitive thoughts for you to process each day. So, it may help you to understand that while you are processing the loss of your loved one, you experience some form of grief guilt.
Guilt is a heavy burden to carry while grieving, and research has indicated that unresolved guilt can complicate your grief and make the healing process much more difficult and prolonged. But there are steps you can take to help you deal with it.
First, you need to acknowledge that grief guilt is a normal grief emotion and don’t let others minimize the validity of your feelings, as irrational as they may be.
Next, you need to examine your feelings and reflect on the possible reasons for your guilt. Research has identified different types of grief guilt, which can help you determine the source of yours:
Causation guilt: You feel responsible for the death of your loved one because of something you did or failed to do.
Role guilt: You feel you were not good enough in whatever the role was in your loved one’s life (spouse, sibling, parent, friend).
Survivor guilt: Feelings that you wish you had died instead of the person who actually did.
Coping guilt: Feeling that you are not grieving well, that you should be doing better, that you’re not coping with the loss.
Recovery guilt: Feeling guilty because you are coping “too well,” because you are not crying as much anymore, or you’re beginning to enjoy yourself, or you are smiling and laughing again, or beginning to go out with friends again and enjoy yourself, and so on.
Next, you need to acknowledge and embrace that although you feel guilty, you are not actually guilty of anything. Noone blames you for what happened. Noone believes that you could have changed the outcome. And, neither should you.
And, now you need to work on letting your grief guilt go. Some thoughts to help you let go:
- You did the best you could with the information you had at the time.
- You could not have predicted nor controlled the future.
• There were many factors that impacted the outcome well beyond anything you could have done.
And finally, you need to create positive thoughts to replace your guilty thoughts. You need to forgive yourself and practice self-love. Guilt often teaches us things about ourselves and life. Do something positive with your grief guilt experience to helps others.
And, one final thought: Consider what your loved one would tell you if you shared how you were feeling. I think you know the answer.
About the Author: Susan Drevitch Kelly has dual BS degrees in Biology and Chemistry, Summa cum Laude, Suffolk University; MA degree and Post-graduate studies in Psychobiology, Harvard University; and over 40 years of experience guiding private clients and workshop groups through major life transitions caused by change and loss. She is passionate about helping people redefine themselves and discover new meaning and purpose in their lives. Susan facilitates two grief support groups at the Scituate Senior Center: Grieve Not alone for recent loss and Riding the Wave for continuing grief. She is also available for private grief counseling sessions. She can be reached at sdkellya@gmail.com.
