Working with seniors for my entire adult life has blessed me with a sense of perspective most people have to earn through years of hard work and learning the hard way. I have made major life decisions with the wisdom of those much older and wiser than me, because I’ve always had people much older than me to teach and inspire me. One of the greatest lessons I ever learned came from a resident I cared for at my first grown up job managing an assisted living community.
This resident was a union attorney. He had worked all his life for his retirement at 65 and planned to travel the world after that. Six months after he retired, he was diagnosed with MS. Within a few years he was wheelchair-bound and unable to travel or care for himself and rightly so, he was angry. He had worked his whole life for a future he planned that never came.
In my younger years, I took his story as a warning to get up and do the things I wanted while I still had the time. That mindset has led to many good things in my life, but the older I get, the more I think about him and how much joy he missed by staying angry. I have come to realize that even more important than seizing the moment, is learning to trust that life will not let any of us live according to the original plan. Life is messy and chaotic and full of X factors that remind us we are not always in the driver’s seat. When we attach ourselves to expectation, we set ourselves up to grieve. We even have a word for the grief we feel when something does not come or does not come in the way we hoped. Disappointment.
We feel it in small ways, like looking forward to a holiday tradition only to find it is not as magical as we remembered. But the big disappointments can be dangerous. The resident I cared for lived for years after his illness took his mobility, and he lived in a very nice and active and social community where he could have made new friends and embraced a life he did not expect. That is far easier said than done, but if you look at life the right way, every disappointment becomes an opportunity for grief or for a new adventure.
For example, I met my husband at an airport bar I would never have stepped into if my flight had not been delayed by two hours, ruining both of our Christmas plans that year. I work in a job I love and for an organization I am proud of, mostly because I was laid off from a job I thought I would have for years.
Looking back at these moments, the message feels simple. Disappointment is not the end of the story. It is the uncomfortable space where the old plan falls apart and something new has a chance to begin. Plans fall apart, flights get delayed, dreams shift, diagnoses arrive, we outlive people we thought we would have forever, and life stops looking like the version we wrote in our heads. It is important to let ourselves feel the grief and disappointment, but after that, it is just as important to let it go and trust that life has a plan for us. If we can loosen our grip on the way things were supposed to go, we leave room for something unexpected to find us. Sometimes the life we never planned ends up being the life that fits us best. And sometimes the detour or the heartbreak is simply the first step toward something new and wonderful, but only if we stay open to the possibility.
About the Author: Meghan Fitzpatrick is one of our Business Development Representatives at Old Colony Hospice & Palliative Care. She has a strong background in assisted living and dementia care. She is also a trained support group facilitator for the Alzheimer’s Association. Meghan’s compassion and knowledge make her a vital part of our outreach efforts. She is a trusted resource in the community connecting with families, providers, and community partners throughout the region. Meghan can be reached at mfitzpatrick@oldcolonyhospice.com.
