By Meghan Fitzpatrick, Hospice & Palliative Care Representative
Old Colony Hospice & Palliative Care
One of the things I have learned about grief is that sometimes you just need to vent.
There is a strange period after a loss when the casseroles have stopped coming, the sympathy cards have all arrived, and people have mostly returned to their normal routines. You are far enough from the loss that the world expects you to be doing better, but not so far from it that the loss hurts any less. In many ways, that can be one of the loneliest parts of grief. The support has faded, but the weight remains.
During one of those seasons, I had a dream that perfectly captured what that felt like.
I do not remember who I was angry at or even why I was angry. As is often the case with dreams, the details disappeared the moment I woke up. What I do remember is shouting, “I feel like a balloon that people just keep pumping air into, and if I do not let some of the pressure out, I am going to pop!”
When I woke up, I laughed at how dramatic it sounded. At the same time, I realized my sleeping brain had stumbled onto something important. That is exactly what grief can feel like. Every new responsibility, every well-meaning comment, every unexpected reminder of what you have lost adds a little more pressure. Sometimes what you need most is simply a way to let some of that air out.
We do not always give ourselves permission to do that.
Most of us have been taught that emotional reactions should be controlled and measured. We should be thoughtful with our words. We should not overreact. We should keep moving forward. There is wisdom in all of that, but grief does not always fit neatly inside those expectations. Some emotions are simply too big to be managed quietly.
The problem is that we often confuse venting with processing. They are related, but they are not the same thing.
Venting is opening the valve and letting the pressure escape. It is crying in your car. It is calling a friend and saying, “I am having a terrible day.” It is pacing around your kitchen and complaining about everything that has gone wrong. Venting is not always logical, polished, or particularly insightful. It is simply honest.
Processing is different. Processing is the work that comes afterward.
Imagine someone cuts you off in traffic and suddenly you are yelling at the steering wheel. You are angry about the traffic, angry that you are running late, angry that your car was just in the shop, and angry that apparently nobody else on the road knows how to drive. That is venting.
Processing happens later when you realize the traffic was not really the issue. You are exhausted. You are carrying too much. You have not had a chance to recover from everything that has happened, and one small inconvenience pushed you over the edge. The person who cut you off was just the spark that landed on an already overloaded system.
Both venting and processing are important. In fact, I think one often makes the other possible. Sometimes you have to get the emotions out before you can understand them. You have to release some of the pressure before you can figure out where it is coming from.
That is why trusted friends, support groups, counselors, and faith communities can be so valuable. They create space for both. They allow us to say the messy things out loud and then help us make sense of them afterward.
Grief is hard enough without expecting ourselves to carry it perfectly. Sometimes healing looks profound and insightful. Sometimes it looks like tears, frustration, and words tumbling out faster than we can organize them.
To borrow from my strange dream, some feelings are simply carrying too much air not to let a little out.
There is nothing wrong with venting. Sometimes it is exactly what keeps us from popping.
About the Author: Meghan Fitzpatrick is a business development representatives at Old Colony Hospice & Palliative Care. She has a strong background in assisted living and dementia care. She is also a trained support group facilitator for the Alzheimer’s Association. Her compassion and knowledge make her a vital part of Old Colony Hospice’s outreach efforts. She is a trusted resource in the community, connecting with families, providers, and community partners throughout the region and can be reached at mfitzpatrick@oldcolonyhospice.com.
